[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
A short story of betrayal:
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.