Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
You Might Also Like
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
his wife is probably gonna see that
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’ve been learning to cook.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.