Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
what could possibly go wrong?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree