United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things