United Steaks of America
You Might Also Like
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!