@CrazyLipz

United Steaks of America

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@rcromwell4

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

@soanim8ed

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

@TheCatWhisprer

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

@truegritrumble

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

@Vathighna

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

@joeljeffrey

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol