Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Did…did a minotaur write this
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.