@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

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@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@SaraThomas84

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

@sweetmomissa

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

@DairylandDon

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

@MomofTeen

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

@dyldonot

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

@thejessbess

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.