[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
You Might Also Like
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
haha same
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
choose your gary
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Tony Hawk, age 6
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes