Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Me too

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Breaking news:

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich