Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?