Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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*serious situation*
My brain:
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”