Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I need better friends
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT