Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.