Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
You Might Also Like
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
こいつ天才
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Oh yeah that’s it
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too