Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?