Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.