Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
My teenage children choosing violence
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?