Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
inventing words: clothing
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.