Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.