unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”


[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands


My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”


[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.


James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond


[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops


When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.


In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.


This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty


When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.