unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.