Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!