Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
You Might Also Like
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
house sitting!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries