unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
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[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive