Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
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She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
wtf management?!
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
cat vs inanimate object