*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
You Might Also Like
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.