Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong