Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
(Jupiter –
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.