Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
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Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.