Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
You Might Also Like
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.