Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?