Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
prepare for carbonated trouble
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.