Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
North and South
(Jupiter –
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?