Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
opening twitter today
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Only a mother’s love …
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.