Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
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If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.