Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
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Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?