Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
peep davidson
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”