Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.