Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
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If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.