UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy