“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No