up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Pretty much! 😂👀
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?