Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.