Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.