Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date