Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?