“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

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Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.


I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.


ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”


Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.


Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.


INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.


We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.


[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?


If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.


Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay