“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe