UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
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this independent good boy don’t need no human
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
lumberjacks will cut a birch
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.