“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Sex so good you see dead people.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
iPhone X
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.