*updates tinder bio*
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
dictator is short for richard potato
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
It do be feeling this way.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.