Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Going to church you guys need anything