Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Good boy 😂😂
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Pigeon open mic night.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.