upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works