UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.