ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Damn he played himself
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.